How Do You Know If You Are Self-Aware?

One of the traits of successful people is that they are self-aware. I think most of us know that we need to be aware of how we are performing. Indeed, it is critical that we constantly iterate on our performance to improve. But most of the commentary on self-awareness has more to do with the things we must do to be self-aware, and not about how we know when we are there. So exhibiting the behaviors of self-aware is important, but how do you know when you actually achieve some measure of the trait?

One of the most common bits of advice that is relevant to self-awareness is the much-used cliche: You have two ears and one mouth, so you should be listening twice as much as you are talking. It is certainly true that it is difficult to be particularly cognizant of how you behave if you are operating in a feedback vacuum. You absolutely must be constantly surveying your surroundings and collecting feedback from every source, but that still doesn’t tell you whether or not you are particularly self-aware.

I had a team member ask me recently How do I know if I am self-aware? It’s a very innocuous question, but it was surprisingly hard to answer with anything concrete. But the question got me thinking about myself and about people I have worked with over the years. I don’t know that I have an answer even having really thought about it, but here are some of my thoughts.

Introspection is a key quality for the self-aware

The first thing that struck me is that the very question likely indicates that this individual is self-aware. The types of people who actively think about this type of leadership trait are the ones who are most likely to exhibit the behavior. It’s not that unlike parenting books in that regard. While reading a book will not necessarily make you a better parent, the types of people who care enough about how that raise kids to read a book will tend to analyze their parenting skills. Similarly, while there is not really a formula for self-awareness, the types of people for whom this is an important characteristic likely are already more self-aware than those who never give it a second thought.

Obviously, there are no equations here. If you do this and do that, you are self-aware. But if you find yourself actively examining your own behavior to determine if you are aware, then you probably have a leg up on others who think very little (or not at all) about their own style.

Observation is essential

Perhaps the most important aspect of being self-aware is really less about watching your own behavior as it is about observing how others react to you. In both our personal and our professional lives, input is everywhere. We just have to be paying close enough attention to get it. While it is good to have mentoring relationships, most feedback doesn’t come in those closed-door moments where we ask for help.

Rather, feedback is everywhere. Every time you interact with someone, there is feedback. Do you watch how they respond? Are you paying careful attention to when their eyes light up? Do you track body language to detect when you have said something off-putting? Do you listen to tone of voice? And do you measure that against how those same people react to others? It’s all feedback, and it’s all right in front of you.

There are simple tips here. Keep your eyes up so you can actually see people. Pay attention to their changes. When you are listening, don’t be formulating responses in your head. Pay attention to the words they use and the details they cite. You cannot be observing if your head is down and yours surroundings unnoticed.

While I don’t know exactly what makes someone any more self-aware than others, I do know that people who are particularly clued into the stimuli around them are in a far better position to take advantage of feedback. And as the Gi Joe slogan tells us, knowing is half the battle.

Performance is personal

One of the other traits of someone who is acutely aware of her own performance is that she takes it personally. I don’t mean that she takes the feedback personally, but she takes her performance personally. When something could have been better, she knows it. Implicitly. And if she is being honest, it gets to her a little bit.

The most self-aware people experience failure every bit as frequently as those who are not. The difference is that each failure—big or small—means more. A poor performance in a project will draw criticism in the moment, but the self-aware individual will internalize that criticism and think about it long after the project has concluded.

When members of my team are especially self-aware, I know that I don’t need to comment too strongly on a lacking performance. It is enough to surface the performance (though they typically already know). Anything I say after that is unnecessary as it is really just piling on. The individual understands that he could have done better. He will analyze the moment in excruciating detail. He will be somewhat distressed. And he will talk about it, sometimes for days. The self-aware person is driven, and he will be his own worst critic.

Judgement is unnecessary

Because the most aware people take it personally, it is important that colleagues never attribute judgement to their observations. A few years ago, my team performed poorly in a public setting. We talked quite openly about it immediately after the performance. It is essential to get feedback in the moment so that it has context.

Immediately, the team members were distraught. They knew things went sideways during the presentation. They didn’t need me telling them that they could have done better. For the next few hours, they went back and forth over every detail – even the tiniest of things. What they needed at the time was not a reminder that they underperformed. They needed encouragement to make the necessary adjustment.

When you are self-aware, you likely find that you beat yourself up. There is no amount of outside judgement that really compares. So when you notice that you are working with someone who is quite aware of his own performance, do not heap additional judgment on top.

Become a practitioner

A practitioner is someone who practices. Practice is all about repetition. It is useless tone self-aware if you always behave the same way. Knowing that you could be more effective is great, but being more effective is what actually matters. That doesn’t happen unless you put into practice the things that you observe and the conclusions that you reach.

In the moment, most of us set aside what we have learned and we just execute the same way we always do. Being a practitioner means that you have to be thinking in the moment and acting deliberately. This will not feel natural. If it did, you would have done it right the first time. You need to embrace the unnatural feeling and practice diligent regardless.

Self-aware is about success as much as it is about failure

People who want to improve tend to think with very few specifics about their big wins, but they can recall in excruciating detail when they have failed. The truly self-aware understand when they win. It’s not about pride. It’s about replicating success. You don’t want to build your career around fixing everything that is wrong. It’s a fool’s errand to think you can plug every hole in the dike. If you really want to be successful, you have to be keenly aware of when and why you win.

The self-aware frequently suffer from the curse of over-analyzing their shortcomings while not celebrating their achievements. This makes the self-aware person a very lonely individual at times. In fact, if you are acutely aware of only your failures, you are likely not as self-aware as you think. You need to employ the same rigor around success that you do around failure.

The bottom line

I still don’t know how to tell if you are self-aware, but I do know that self-aware people tend to behave in ways that make it easy to tell when you spot it. Minimally, you need to observe (the good and the bad), you need to tie your performance personally, you need to practice what you learn, and you need to build on top of the really great moments. While it might not be obvious when you transition to self-aware, these traits will certainly mean you are well on your way.

[Today’s fun fact: Pomology is the study of fruit. I didn’t know the word either, and I write a lot.]

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